It’s the new years. This year I’m going to workout like a machine, maintain a strict diet, and become fit as a fiddle.
My intentions are good and I’m sicking to them like a champ.
Then I return to work and my resolutions are poisoned! Avoiding the junk food is nearly impossible.
That is because, there’s ALWAYS somebody at work who doesn’t understand why you would be careful about what you eat.
Epic Diet FAIL
This person (or persons) never fails to bring in a plate of Peanut Butter Cookies, German Chocolate Cake, or some other diet bombing masterpiece they labored on for DAYS.
Your diet sabotaging colleagues always have a clueless look on their face when you explain your interest in being healthy. They proclaim that you are so healthy you could with eating anything including their junk food. Your diet is SUNK as you give into their demands and eat the double bypass cookies and spare tire cake.
Seven Proven Methods Save Your Diet
and End Your Career Today
I’ve prepared a list of proven battle tactics to fight back when your office assailant attempts to atom bomb your diet. These tactics work great for those of us not concerned with climbing the corporate ladder or making friends.
- Tactic 1 Avoid Direct Eye Contact
This can be a bit awkward but is damn effective. Imagine this scenario…. Your co-worker is approaching from your 9 o-clock (left shoulder). They are shouting your name and poised ready to hand you the cake. You simply stand unflinching in your posture. Looking the opposite direction, and acting as though you don’t even see them or their poisonous cake.
- Tactic 2 Be a Stooge
If they say, try my cake, fire back, I’m alergic to that stuff you know, it makes me fat! While this comical exercise can be fun, I’ve found it to be virtually combat in-effective. Almost every time the assailant simply hands the cake over explaining how you would look good in a spare tire.
- Tactic 3 Explain Your Disease in Grotesque Detail
Irritable Bowel Syndrome is a graphically horrific master piece perfect for keeping the diet poisoners at bay. State, that last time you tried their cake it did nothing but glue your butt-ox to the porcelain throne as you sprayed out cake under high pressure. For bonus points get teary eyed while you explain your pain.
- Tactic 4 The Friend Killer
When they hand you the cake simply state, “Oh I’ve already tried that. It was terrible.” Then turn and walk away before they can answer.
Tactic 5 The Atomic Sneeze
When Betty set’s her plate of cookies on the table, walk in in front of everybody, and let out an uncontrollable sneeze. Make sure to aim well and saturate the plate with snot. Picking your nose as your fish around cookies also a decent fallback should you have difficulty sneezing.
Tactic 6 Tackle the Granade
As you walk in the break room trip in spectacular style. Make sure to fall directly on top of the poison destroying it in the process and saving your comrades.
Tactic 7 The Stinky Cheese
When they hand you the cake break a stink bomb (natrual or otherwise if you’re running low on ammo) . Before you take a bite allow the stink to overwhelm the aroma of cake. Then comment, “I think you put some stinky cheese in this”. Gag for bonus points, throw out the plate, and run away crying.
Tactics for Those of You Who Want to
Drop the Spare Tire
While Climbing the Corporate Ladder
Here’s a few proven tactics for those us who like having friends and a paycheck.
- Tactic 1 Iron Will
Stare at the cake or other delectable delight by the water cooler. Count to thirty and then walk away. If you’re colleague stops you to try a piece explain you are on a diet and sticking to it this year.
- Tactic 2 Nurse the Cake
Take the cake back to your cubical and nurse the same piece all day long!
- Tactic 3 Find Cake Elixir
If you find yourself indulging in the cake grab a glass of water. Water is the fat burning elixir best for thwarting the spare tire forming properties of cake. Drink the water with the cake.
- Tactic 4 Become a Squirrel
Save the cake for your diet cheat day.
- Tactic 5 Fight Fire with Fire
Set a plate of healthy snacks next to your co-workers junk food. Pitch the healthy snacks harder than they pitch their spare tire delight.
- Tactic 6 Top Off the Tank
Never work on an empty stomach. Always have plenty of healthy snacks around such as nuts, veggies, and healthy meats. If you are full you won’t be as tempted to give into the junk food.
- Tactic 7 Be a Busy Bee
Be too busy to eat the junk food. This will also help you score bonus points with your boss.
Save Yourself and Save a Friend
You and I both know we stand the best chance to save ourselves at home. Dieting there can be easier as we only have to deal with a few family members. The office is another story though. If you can diet at the office, you can do ANYTHING! Literally!
Plus, nothing’s better than loosing weight while you work. So practice your tactics. And make sure to share them with your colleagues. They’ll definatly appreciate a good laugh and the help avoiding a spare tire.
PS. Don’t sabotage your career performing The Atomic Sneeze. Then again feel free to share this with your boss or other pesky colleagues who constantly sabotage your diet. For once they’ll understand what you are going through.